HELL
Just when I thought I was in hell - there was yet another hell around the corner.
Hell #1
When we received Barry’s blood work it indicated such a decline that they expected he’d be gone within a month.
Hell #2
He survives the month. The hell part is when the doctors look surprised and change the prognosis to ‘weeks.’ How many weeks? Anybody’s guess.
Hell #3
He asks to go into hospice. Again, not a hell. You’re relieved. It was getting to be too much. So then what is Hell #3? Leaving your husband at the hospice and go home. Alone. Knowing he will never ever come home again. He’s in hospice and I’m home. That’s its own special kind of hell.
Hell #4
He decides to take the palliative meds to allow himself to sleep through the pain, restlessness and fear. You’re actually happy he made that decision. So what’s the hell part? Saying goodbye.
Hell #5
He passes. He’s gone. Life feels lopsided. And cruel.
Hell #6
You bury him. He is now forever gone. If you didn’t accept it before, you have no choice now.
Is there a Hell #7?
I can’t say I’m in Hell #7 but it’s definitely unsettling. Life now begins without Barry. We’ve been married 29 years.
What’s to come? I don’t know. And maybe not knowing right now is ok. Maybe I just let life unfold quietly, gently… and see what happens.