Lessons from the Aisles (again)

I went for lettuce and came home with life lessons.

Aaargh I have to go to the grocery store again. Worst job ever. Well, second to cooking. I can hardly wait to become a bazillionaire so I can hire people to do this for me!

But I’m in good spirits today for some reason even though I’m doing my most unfavourite job. On the planet.

I’m not in the door 5 seconds when an older woman turns and says to me - how am I supposed to buy romaine lettuce when there’s just 5 left and they’re all brown. Right??? So we stand around commiserating about that for a few minutes.

And just as I’m about to continue - somebody else is complaining to me about the lettuce. What do I look like - Dear Abby? He tells me he’s got a party tonight and needs it. I try to sound like I care, but I don’t. You’re on your own dude.

Off I go looking for some peppers. But just before I get there a woman grabs a huge bag of onions. I’m curious - what can you possibly make with all those onions? So, I asked her. She explained that she keeps them in the garage and they last for months. The hell you say. Huh. Who knew? No I really mean, who knew? Then another woman chimes in and says, I do the same for carrots. What?

You know, food stores could replace schools. For real.

So, I say to both of them - well I don’t have a garage - can I put them on my balcony? Yes, if it’s not too cold. OK, now I’m out. I have no idea what TOO COLD means? See, I had this problem in school too. It’s happening all over again. The second woman must have seen my deer-caught-in-the-headlights look because she waited for me to finish with the other woman and gave me a huge tip about putting them in clothes bins on her balcony. Ok I’m back in business.

I’m realizing that I’m a bit of a magnet today with all the interactions. It’s funny how when I stop hating the errand, everyone seems to show up wanting to chat. Coincidence? I think not.

I head down an aisle that has large bags of potatoes on one side and baked goods on the other side. I know, it’s weird but somehow it works in this store.

Anyway, this thirty something woman asks me which potatoes are best for mashing? How the hell should I know? Ok I didn’t really say that to her because remember, I’m in a good mood. So, I laugh - because it is kinda funny someone asking Debbie Dunne a cooking question. But, I said the politest thing I could think of - I have no idea. But that seemed inadequate to me so I took it upon myself to find the answer for her. This good mood of mine is showing up in weird ways.

I spot a woman who I’m certain will have the answer. So I tap her on the shoulder and ask if she can help us? When did this young woman’s potato question become an Us question? Clearly my good mood is the gift that just keeps on giving.

The young woman is a bit surprised that I brought someone over to fix OUR problem but she was grateful. I think. Or she probably was until the woman started talking. And talking. And talking.

I sure do know how to pick ‘em, that’s for sure. She didn’t just know all about potatoes but she also knew about baked goods. And I was about to get an education.

But as she was educating this young woman about potatoes I stood there like a ninny listening. Like it was my job to also get educated about potatoes. There’s something seriously wrong with me sometimes. So, I quietly moved over to the baked goods.

When she finished her potato lesson she made a beeline for me. She couldn’t wait to tell me just how much she loves cooking and especially baking. She now had another audience. Me. I’ve created a monster. But a well-meaning, kind monster.

And now I feel a lesson coming on. She’s lovely and I’m in a good mood so I politely listen. Like I said, this good mood of mine is taking me in yet another direction. I have a banana loaf in my hands and I’m immediately regretting my choice. It’s the potatoes all over again.

She shows me the sugar content on almost everything on the shelf including my banana bread. I can see it slipping from my fingers as we speak. She eventually finds something with less sugar and gives me permission to buy it. Well she doesn’t really give me permission - it just feels that way. So, I say to her - ok I’ll buy this but if my husband doesn’t like it I’m coming back to find you! She laughs. Not something I expected from her. She was kind of buttoned up and serious. And preachy. Not that preachy people can’t laugh but they often don’t because they’re too busy being preachy. But now that I know she laughs - all bets are off.

Out of the corner of my eye I catch a guy looking at us and laughing. I’m assuming he’s been listening while I’m getting schooled. He clearly thinks it’s funny. Interestingly, I’m not embarrassed - I think it’s because I’m too busy trying to please this total stranger and buy what she wants me to buy. And truth be told, her sincerity touched me.

Anyway, school’s over - I want to go home now so I start moving my cart away from her saying - now don’t follow me - I don’t want you seeing what I’m buying - you’ll be mortified. She laughs again. And we depart.

A little later I turned into an aisle, saw her, and quietly detoured — my version of hide and seek. Lovely woman but sometimes there’s only so much ‘lovely’ one can take. Plus I had some things in my cart that I was trying to hide just in case I bumped into her.