Lost My Mind, Got It Back
A Short Journey Through Complaint, Chaos and Clarity
I have been an angry, self-pitying woman. Sometimes. Well maybe I still am. Sometimes. I’m not perfect. Can you just hear my sister now - yes Deb, we all know that - you needn’t pretend to be modest. You are most definitely not perfect. What the heck are twins for if not to keep you grounded, huh. She’s the best. WAS the best. It’s still hard sometimes to speak in past tense. Maybe I just don’t want to.
Moving on…
Researchers believe we have neural pathways in our brains that are reinforced by habit. The more you repeat the behavior, the stronger your neural pathway for that behavior becomes, and the easier it triggers the next time.
With that in mind - I have found that over the years—probably my entire life—I’ve found myself fighting for something. Maybe I’m a rebel without a cause. Or maybe life just keeps challenging me, over and over, to prove I’m capable.
Well, I am freaking capable. So can we stop now? Please!
Habit? Possibly.
Interestingly, these fights almost always involve a monetary component to them. What’s up with that, huh?
I’m trying not to judge myself too harshly. It’s neither good nor bad. It’s me.
But maybe it is bad. At least for my well-being. Always fighting. And complaining about fighting. And then fighting again. And then complaining again.
Habit? Possibly.
It’s like those neural pathways in my brain that have been reinforced by habit. I keep doing it over and over again. Even though I prefer not to.
Do you think I could be bringing this on myself?
But I honestly don’t look for these fights — they blindside me. Just when I think I’ve fought the last good fight, boom — something else shows up, completely out of left field.
Here are some of the things I’ve had to fight over the last few years:
Bell Canada – decided the deal I received was too good so after 4 months they came back asking for back-payments. Back-payments for what? So guess what I did? I lost my mind! Took me about 3 months of fighting and eventually going to the CCTS and getting the deal that was initially offered to me. My mind was back intact.
Airplane ticket – remember when I had to get to Montreal quickly to hopefully see Bren before she passed? I called, who I thought was Air Canada but it turned out it was a scammer. They did give me a ticket but charged an additional $1,600. Naturally, I wasn’t in my right mind when I made the reservation. So when I got my credit card bill a couple of weeks later I saw the charges. Long story short - I lost my mind – again! After a couple of months of fighting – I got it reversed. But not before he – the scammer – called me one last time to try to intimidate me into paying. But I was more clear headed. Nice try buddy! I eventually got my money back and my mind was again intact.
Car rental – this one will have you screaming. It did me. When visiting Bren one time I had a car rental and unfortunately I got a stone chip in the windshield. I had to fill out tons of paperwork for the insurance. Finally, we were done. Or so I thought. Fast forward almost 3 years – I get a letter in the mail saying that I still owe them $550. And I better pay up. Are you out of your cotton-picking minds?? I spent a couple of weeks trying to sort through everything, all the while fuming with anger – and for an anger-prone person, this was all the fodder I needed. Anyway, I lost my mind… but I prevailed. And once again, my mind was intact.
Would you have fought these as well? Please tell me I’m not alone in all this.
Now let’s be honest - how could I be manifesting these things, right? None of these would have ever been on my radar.
And just so you know – I have so many more examples but, this story can’t go on indefinitely.
Now here’s the bigger question – if you did fight it - would you be complaining about it as well? Like big and loud? Telling anyone and everyone who would listen? Cause that’s what I was doing. I was out of my mind angry.
So, what roused me out of my self-pitying, angry-at-the-world mindset? Well, it was one of the oddest things – it was a post I read on our community FB page by someone who, in error, had paid an extra $600 on his 407ETR bill. Back in October no less. 8 months ago. And he’s still waiting for them to right the wrong. EIGHT MONTHS AND COUNTING.
Tell me you would fight this?
I would have lost my mind after a couple of phone calls. But he’s now actually thinking of giving up. Ok now, I did lose my mind. Are you crazy buddy? You can’t let them get away with this.
See how I did that? I immediately went into fight mode. It’s my go to.
Even when it’s someone else’s fight I can’t let it go. I suggested to him that he escalate his complaint and then insist they pay him by the end of the day. And if they don’t, then off to the ombudsman he should go. And of course I provided the link.
So how did this change my mindset?
Well it occurred to me, in that moment, that this doesn’t just happen to me – it happens to others as well. Now that was a big aha moment. How could I have been so blind? To think it just happens to me. Poor me. WTF Deb.
If that doesn’t scream self-pity and victim – I don’t know what does.
This was my immediate self-talk:
You’re not the only one who has fights.
It seems to me that self-pity was leading to victimhood. Huh, who knew?
You have a choice - walk away (flight) or fight
You have chosen to fight so stop complaining. You are doing what you want to do. Complaining makes it worse. Zaps energy. Makes you feel like you’re not in control. It’s a self-pitying move.
But you are in control. You’ve made a decision. To fight the injustice. So be proud of yourself. Yes, it will take you away from doing other more fun things but the universe has different plans for you. So suck it up!
You could just as easily not fight and walk away (flight) but that wouldn’t make you feel good. You would feel taken advantage of. It’s not in your DNA to do that.
SO STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!!! SERIOUSLY. ENOUGH ALREADY!
The most egregious and embarrassing part of all this is that I let myself wallow — and that turned into feeling like a victim.
Why would I do that? I know better. I try hard not to feel sorry for myself because it takes away my power. My inner power. And my inner peace.
Is this something you’ve also experienced?
Although truth be told, I didn’t even realize I had been doing it. I just knew that I was feeling out of control and angry when an injustice appeared.
I felt as though I’d been losing my mind! A lot! And now my mind seems to be back intact.
I didn’t see this as a victim thing until I read that guy’s post. So I wonder if there are other things going on in my world that I don’t realize. We don’t know what we don’t know, right?
Fighting doesn’t seem to be my problem.
I’m actually pretty good at it.
Sadly.
It also makes me feel righteous rage. Doesn’t everyone like to feel as though they are righteous in their fight? Or maybe you’re more evolved than me.
BUT when I complain about the choice I’ve made to fight then that’s incongruent with my choice. Why am I complaining? Because if I’ve learned anything it’s that complaining makes me feel like a victim. Without me even knowing. I did know, however, that I felt out-of-control. But why? I was confused.
I’m a little less confused now. How about you?
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