She Promised She’d Check In
Still waiting. Still laughing. Still loving her from here.
Happy Birthday dear Brenda - you’ve been on vacation for over 2 months and I haven’t heard a peep from you yet! You said you’d stop in to tell me how you’re doing. But all you’ve done so far is trip me on the behest of Cathy Ryan no less. By the way, can you respond in kind to her because she has some crazy notion that you like her more than me. So please set her straight. Nothing too drastic. Just a little shove in the snowbank would make me very happy.
There were many things I really liked about Brenda and one of them was that she could be funny in that dry sense of humour way. This one time we were in our early twenties living in Calgary and meeting up with some new friends at a pub. Brenda was practising her dry-sense-of-humour schtick on our new found friends but none were laughing. On the other hand I was laughing hysterically and she calmly looks over at them and says - that’s why I bring her along so you guys know when to laugh. Oh my gosh that made me laugh even more. And she continues - she’s like my own personal laugh track that I travel with. She never cracked a smile. Which made me laugh even more. I think the rest of the evening we spent alone laughing about who knows what. But our new friends were nowhere to be found. But we didn’t care, we were having fun!
It was such a blessing having this time with Brenda. To have the opportunity to tell her just how special she is and to give her examples. It’s not enough to say that you’re special because it’s too broad a term. Everyone is special in their own unique way. So, I needed to give her examples. How lucky was I to have this opportunity. This is one of our first exchanges about this…
Debbie: You are so lucky you are going on vacation?
Brenda: Ya, I’m real lucky Deb.
Debbie: You are because I get to tell you just how special you are and how much you’ll be missed by everyone. And what impact you have had on all of us - family, friends, neighbours.
Brenda: Hmmmm…well I guess it’s all been worth it then.
Debbie & Brenda: I was also lucky because Brenda could talk about her passing. She wasn’t afraid. She wasn’t squeamish. She allowed me to be curious - asking questions like: are you afraid? what do you think happens when you go on vacation? what’s important to you now? I was so lucky to have such a brave sister guide me through this journey with her.
Today is a tough day for all of us. I’ve been thinking about my siblings, for example, because maybe they would like to forget this day as well but they can’t because it’s also my birthday. So while I miss my twin so much, so do my siblings miss their sister and her husband misses his wife. Along with all of her friends and family.
Brenda and I never imagined our lives without each other. And yet here we are living the unimaginable. Brenda felt lucky because she wasn’t going to be the one who was left without the other. But she also felt very sad for me. Something I was sorry she had to endure. She had enough to endure.
But today my heart is full of love. And sadness of course. I haven’t been able to go on FB today except right now to post this. Nor have I been able to read the emails or private messages or texts I’ve received. Nor answer any phone calls. Not yet anyway. Maybe tomorrow. The kindness and love from everyone is just a bit overwhelming. And Brenda is taking up a huge part of my heart today! But just know that I’m ok.
Over this past year and a half I often wondered how I would manage without Brenda. And yet here I am, managing without Brenda. While life is different and waves of sadness envelop me, surprisingly there are waves of gratitude and love as well. I suspect it’s going to be a long journey with lots of twists and turns. But if I’ve learned anything through Brenda’s journey it’s that time is precious. Life is precious.
I don’t want to be stuck in sadness and miss the joys of life. We have but one life and for some reason I’ve made it this far while Brenda didn’t have the good fortune. I can’t know why but what I can do is make the most of this gift I’ve been given. There’s a huge part of my heart that is broken but there’s also a huge part that’s untouched by grief. I think our hearts are big enough for all that life sends our way.
So I’d like to say to Brenda, thank you for our 66 years together and those 9 months we spent alone. Apparently we were 5 days late in coming into this world. I always used to say it’s because we were having too much fun by ourselves. And by the way Bren, you forgot to leave your GPS chip and your cooking chip for me. Barry is not happy especially about the cooking chip. You will always be near and dear to my heart Brenda! I miss you more than you can know.