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Crazy meets rude

You’d never know it but I really don’t like grocery shopping. I know I know I write about it a lot. But stuff just happens to me in grocery stores. I can’t help it.

At least it was a bit better when Barry used to come with me. I had a buddy who disliked it as much as I did. Even though he liked to zoom through a little faster than me. I like to see what’s on sale, he likes to just buy what’s on our list and get the heck out of Dodge. Men and women are just so different, aren’t they?

One time we were in a rug store looking for a scatter rug and we saw this husband and wife dash into the store. They were clearly in a rush with him leading the way. He looks back at her as she’s trying to keep up and he says, with authority I might add: Ok we’re just heading directly to the back. We’re not stopping to look at anything else! Oh my gosh - we just looked at each other and burst out laughing. That’s us!

Anyway, one of the other things Barry really disliked was when I pulled out my phone’s calculator. Oh no Deb, please, not this again!

You see there are many different kleenex packages – there’s the 3 ply, 2 ply, single ply (be careful of those singles, they are ridiculous). And what about the number of tissues in each box? And how many boxes are in each package? Lots to cipher.

Once I do the ciphering for one package I have to remember the number per tissue - something like: 0.010403645833333. Just so you know, I do realize that I only need to remember the first 4 numbers after the decimal. I’m not that crazy. Then I calculate the next one – which is also a ridiculously long number. All the while I’m hoping I don’t forget the first one. But eventually, I have the answer.

I look around and Barry’s gone. I wonder why he left.

I found him in the soup aisle. He’s standing there looking at all the choices. Without a calculator no less. How difficult can this be? I fly over there, pick up 2 cans and off we go. Honestly, some people just don’t know how to make their shopping experience easier.

On this particular day Barry wasn’t with me. Yay I can stand there ciphering until my heart’s content with no judgy eyeballs staring at me. I’m working on the kleenex. Of course. When some rather good looking older guy comes up and says to me - so which one is the better deal?

I’m flattered. He noticed how hard I’ve been working at this and trusts me to tell him the best deal.

As I grab my choice I enthusiastically advise him that this is the one!!!

He picks one up and starts to leave. I do something so cringeworthy - oh you thought what I was already doing was cringeworthy? Ha! Not even close.

As he’s walking away with what now looks like a bit of a smirk - I say to him - if you want more deals just follow me around the store.

Oh oh – it’s one of those moments when your mouth moves before your brain checks in, and instantly your internal voice groans: Why in the ever-loving hell would I say that?

I mean, am I nuts? But in my defence, I did think it was funny. I have learned, the hard way, over the years, that not all my jokes land. I’ve probably learned this lesson more times than I’d care to admit, which is a lot because I sure do admit to a lot of crazy stuff.

Worst part - buddy doesn’t even turn around and give me a smile, a wave, a snort. Nothing. Which of course made it even more cringeworthy.

It is really a shame they don’t have floors that open up and swallow you whole.

And by the way, Buddy never even thanked me. For all my ciphering. For saving him money. Oh crap, you know what just occurred to me - I should have told him he’d save a ton by buying the more expensive one. Shoot! I wish I’d thought of that! Now that would be funny, if only in my own head. Because let’s face it, I do live in my head. A lot!

So the dude took my deal and saved himself a whopping 70 cents and didn’t even thank me. I hope he gets a toothache.

P.S. Yes, there’s a PS to this story. Because after reading this to Barry he quickly says…

You can’t post that!

Uhm, why not?

Because you sound like a crazy person!

Really? Do you think so? But it actually did happen.

I know, but still Deb.

Ok so what if I tell everyone that I stopped doing this about a month or so ago. Would that make it better?

Maybe.

But I’m thinking they may not believe me. And now I’ll have to write another story about that. You see my dilemma, right?

I’m out!

These are our conversations. Don’t judge me!